This is something I just can’t get my head around and the more I think about it, the more confusing it gets. And once again I have one more emotion to deal with – confusion. I’ve never thought of myself as moody, yet I can’t deny it.
One minute I’m sitting, chatting to my self, unaware or at least uncaring of anyone around, or what they might think.
The other I’m so overjoyed overhearing my neighbours music, heart singing to it’s tunes and I can’t quite put a finger on what I’m so thrilled about, just that suddenly my universe seems to have opened up and all the positives in my life are showering down on me like sparkling stars.
An hour later I’m placid again. Now there’s just me and my thoughts, and the realities I face seem to be ok. Something I can consider dealing with, no desperate urge to hide.
That’s when the doubts creep in and the questions come spilling out, like a can of worms.
Just a few at first and then an overwhelming number that never seems to end, seeping into every corner of my brain.
My head’s a jumble and I try to think, but it’s hard to keep up.
Am I happy? Am I sad? What is it that I feel? Because till I figure that out I don’t know how I’ll reach my answer.
What is it I want?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
nasty business
There are those in life who mange to survive with their own agenda.
They come off so strong that it’s impossible to beat them down.
They’re so intimidating that even their bosses are careful and considerate around them — that quite honestly, I would love to learn.
So thick-skinned that nothing can make them feel bad.
They can bitch, complain and cry because that’s their expertise.
Dig deeper, I don’t see too many close ties.
A husband yes, and I wonder how they managed to find another who they could love.
Because even family, parents and kin, they always have something to whinge about.
Perhaps they knew they needed one person on their side.
But how could the spouse bare to be with someone so unpleasant?
Someone, who can’t survive without talking badly about every one in sight.
Extremely headstrong, always believing that they are right, with an opinion on everyone and everything.
They have the loudest of laughs so people in the farthest corner can hear,
need to do or say something outrageous so they stand out.
Systematic and controlled, they wheedle their way in to every situation in the end.
The worst is they have a way to try and be your best friend.
Talk to you and smile and laugh,
till you walk out the door and then they start,
About how absolutely terrible they think you are.
They always love any drama,
maybe TV shows is where they learn how to add trauma.
When they wish they can be as sweet as can be,
But really they’re standing there with a lethally sharp dagger
With the potential to show you a smiling face,
who knows what is going on under the surface.
Never come back from an adventure, night out, or even a holiday without a complaint.
And yet through all this negativity they seem to feel no pain.
Sing along to happy tracks and go about their lives
at your or anyone else’s expense.
Mean, malicious and nasty, wonder how they manage to get it right?
Yet through all of it I realise that they haven’t learnt the one important lesson in life
to be a good person is one thing they can never conquer,
Hopefully someday not too far away it will finally matter.
They come off so strong that it’s impossible to beat them down.
They’re so intimidating that even their bosses are careful and considerate around them — that quite honestly, I would love to learn.
So thick-skinned that nothing can make them feel bad.
They can bitch, complain and cry because that’s their expertise.
Dig deeper, I don’t see too many close ties.
A husband yes, and I wonder how they managed to find another who they could love.
Because even family, parents and kin, they always have something to whinge about.
Perhaps they knew they needed one person on their side.
But how could the spouse bare to be with someone so unpleasant?
Someone, who can’t survive without talking badly about every one in sight.
Extremely headstrong, always believing that they are right, with an opinion on everyone and everything.
They have the loudest of laughs so people in the farthest corner can hear,
need to do or say something outrageous so they stand out.
Systematic and controlled, they wheedle their way in to every situation in the end.
The worst is they have a way to try and be your best friend.
Talk to you and smile and laugh,
till you walk out the door and then they start,
About how absolutely terrible they think you are.
They always love any drama,
maybe TV shows is where they learn how to add trauma.
When they wish they can be as sweet as can be,
But really they’re standing there with a lethally sharp dagger
With the potential to show you a smiling face,
who knows what is going on under the surface.
Never come back from an adventure, night out, or even a holiday without a complaint.
And yet through all this negativity they seem to feel no pain.
Sing along to happy tracks and go about their lives
at your or anyone else’s expense.
Mean, malicious and nasty, wonder how they manage to get it right?
Yet through all of it I realise that they haven’t learnt the one important lesson in life
to be a good person is one thing they can never conquer,
Hopefully someday not too far away it will finally matter.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Tell me why
“You need to know your religion and community because if someone asks you, you should be able to convince them about who you are?” I have to say I was so shocked when I heard these words. I had no idea how to react. “But religion is personal, it’s my belief in God.” I replied. “No it’s your identity, and you should know it well. What if someone asks you about your religion?”
I heard myself saying “But I could not believe in anyone or anything and that would be ok too.” Although I knew I had already lost the argument. I knew that from the very beginning. Not because I was wrong, but because I was so taken aback, I had no time or clarity to present my case. And even though I’m not normally someone who backs down without making sure their opinion is put on the table, I also felt that whatever I said would fall on deaf ears, and that in a way it should. I realised that I had no right to try and convince her of what I felt or believed in.
As we sipped on our vodkas, I realised that we were both happy to be living the lives we were. Made peace with the decisions to eat, or drink what we had allowed ourselves to, stretching limits where we saw fit and were surrounded by likeminded people.
And although we were very different and our beliefs and upbringings differed as well, we were both from the same city, we were both from the same religion and even belonged to the same community.
The funny part is people can be unified for many reasons. We were two girls who had so much in common including our drinks in hand, and yet were so different. Is it really all about what group you belong to?
A group that’s favourite colour is blue or red can stand unified by their love for that one colour.
In the USA if you pointed to a group of foreigners, they might consist of people from all over the world—India, Australia, China, Nepal, Africa and have very little in common, except for the fact that they are all foreigners here together. Mix them with a few Americans and have them flying on an airplane and they’re just a group of international passengers and that’s now the binding factor.
It reminds me of the game I loved to play as a kid, ‘Four Corners’, where everyone runs around and chooses a corner by name, and your fate to continue in the game, and maybe even win it, depends on the name of the corner you choose to run to at a particular time.
You run around in circles as the music plays, much like we run around with our daily hectic schedules and every time the music stops, you run to one side of the room hoping to outsmart the referee because if he calls the name of the corner that you are standing at, you’re out. However, if you’ve chosen to be part of another group at that time, you are safe, which also holds true for the many terrorist attacks we face today. So really it’s all a question of Luck By Chance.
I heard myself saying “But I could not believe in anyone or anything and that would be ok too.” Although I knew I had already lost the argument. I knew that from the very beginning. Not because I was wrong, but because I was so taken aback, I had no time or clarity to present my case. And even though I’m not normally someone who backs down without making sure their opinion is put on the table, I also felt that whatever I said would fall on deaf ears, and that in a way it should. I realised that I had no right to try and convince her of what I felt or believed in.
As we sipped on our vodkas, I realised that we were both happy to be living the lives we were. Made peace with the decisions to eat, or drink what we had allowed ourselves to, stretching limits where we saw fit and were surrounded by likeminded people.
And although we were very different and our beliefs and upbringings differed as well, we were both from the same city, we were both from the same religion and even belonged to the same community.
The funny part is people can be unified for many reasons. We were two girls who had so much in common including our drinks in hand, and yet were so different. Is it really all about what group you belong to?
A group that’s favourite colour is blue or red can stand unified by their love for that one colour.
In the USA if you pointed to a group of foreigners, they might consist of people from all over the world—India, Australia, China, Nepal, Africa and have very little in common, except for the fact that they are all foreigners here together. Mix them with a few Americans and have them flying on an airplane and they’re just a group of international passengers and that’s now the binding factor.
It reminds me of the game I loved to play as a kid, ‘Four Corners’, where everyone runs around and chooses a corner by name, and your fate to continue in the game, and maybe even win it, depends on the name of the corner you choose to run to at a particular time.
You run around in circles as the music plays, much like we run around with our daily hectic schedules and every time the music stops, you run to one side of the room hoping to outsmart the referee because if he calls the name of the corner that you are standing at, you’re out. However, if you’ve chosen to be part of another group at that time, you are safe, which also holds true for the many terrorist attacks we face today. So really it’s all a question of Luck By Chance.
Cooking it up
You start small and every recipe seems easy enough. The ingredients are neatly listed.
1 tsp cumin
5 chillies
2 pods of garlic
salt to taste
…The list is neat and simple. So you attempt it with positive gusto. You set alive the flame and add in all the elements, slowly and surely following the recipe, line by line under the method section. Slightly apprehensive to have everything mixed in time after all the fire is on, nothing should overcook, or stick, or burn. Then comes the questions— did it say tomatoes now? Add water when pulpy? ‘Hmm is it pulpy enough?’ It is now officially time to wait.
Wait for the ingredients to finally look like the picture in front of you. ‘Is it getting there?’ ‘Is there scope?’ ‘Should I have a taste?’ ‘Will it redden?’ ‘Will it mix together?’ The questions are endless and there isn’t much to do except pretend to stir and hope for the best.
Your heart’s racing, should you just order in? Make burji? Chuck it all in the bin? Is there anyway you can save it still? Does it need saving? Is the salt enough? Did you remember to add in all the ingredients?
And finally! It looks done! You give it a little taste. Seems ok. Add something more? Is something missing? Or is it just too hot to taste? Wait it out.
At the dinner table— your moment of victory, your apprehension is worth this sweet moment of success.
Cooking is much like life itself and the hardest part is the waiting. The thing is if we put in all the ingredients the best we know how, we should know that the work is done. The lesson I know is clear. Enjoy the wait. I only wish I knew how.
1 tsp cumin
5 chillies
2 pods of garlic
salt to taste
…The list is neat and simple. So you attempt it with positive gusto. You set alive the flame and add in all the elements, slowly and surely following the recipe, line by line under the method section. Slightly apprehensive to have everything mixed in time after all the fire is on, nothing should overcook, or stick, or burn. Then comes the questions— did it say tomatoes now? Add water when pulpy? ‘Hmm is it pulpy enough?’ It is now officially time to wait.
Wait for the ingredients to finally look like the picture in front of you. ‘Is it getting there?’ ‘Is there scope?’ ‘Should I have a taste?’ ‘Will it redden?’ ‘Will it mix together?’ The questions are endless and there isn’t much to do except pretend to stir and hope for the best.
Your heart’s racing, should you just order in? Make burji? Chuck it all in the bin? Is there anyway you can save it still? Does it need saving? Is the salt enough? Did you remember to add in all the ingredients?
And finally! It looks done! You give it a little taste. Seems ok. Add something more? Is something missing? Or is it just too hot to taste? Wait it out.
At the dinner table— your moment of victory, your apprehension is worth this sweet moment of success.
Cooking is much like life itself and the hardest part is the waiting. The thing is if we put in all the ingredients the best we know how, we should know that the work is done. The lesson I know is clear. Enjoy the wait. I only wish I knew how.
Rocky reality tv
Gosh it’s so bad it’s good. It’s so ugly it’s cute (well I used to say that about pug dogs). Reality TV is a bit like that. You hate it, you love it, you just can’t decide. One minute you can’t take the madness, but you can’t turn it off either. It is trouble from the moment you switch the telly on. The more fights, the more bitching the bigger tears, the louder shouts, the ratings soar even higher, but we know that already. The question I had to ask myself the other day was— ‘How crazy can it actually get?’ And what brought that on at this late stage? A minute of the show Paris Hilton’s BFF —I mean really? How did anyone think of such a stupid and bizarre… did I say stupid already? concept. Ridiculous is what I thought, but I kept it on just to see what happened. Luckily it was the last episode the girls were dressed in a style that made them look nothing less than ridiculous and come before Paris, where the super star? I mean really what is it she does again? Star in reality porn? Anyways the heiress…threw a tantrum and later made a new bff at some random party. Friends have come and gone in her life like her first famous bff Nicole Ritchie, so this one is just a Queen of Sheeba version of A Simple Life where she calls the shots and is a mixture of naughty and nice.
Guess it shouldn’t be so weird considering people are choosing their bride and groom on reality tv as well. From Swayamavar, which admittedly I haven’t watched to the ‘Who wants to marry a multi-millionaire’ TV show. Are you kidding me? Who doesn’t? Only this time gold diggers are being applauded so they can come out in the open instead of shy away from being greedy. Imagine the guy or girl on that show not drawing up a pre-nup agreement before the wedding. “Honey don’t you believe I love you?” “D-u-h, of course I do?” I mean you think God favours any one individual that much that he’d give them true love and a multi-millionaire on a reality show, which is basically all about clambering all over each other for the prize? How is the most important relationship in your life going to be found in an overcrowded garage sale, where you can barely see more than the colour of the object and maybe a few designs — that’s what these shows are like.
I do think that you may come away from a show like ‘Biggest Loser’ or I’m a celebrity get me out of here’ or the Indian ‘iss jungle se mujhe bachaon’ but I mean not because it’s set up just because the circumstances bring you closer together, much like a group school project. And it is a bit amusing when Heidi and Spencer keep asking to get out of the ‘jungle’. Apparently Spencer believes he’s some sort of super celebrity — of The Hills? I mean come on and he even said that he expected the whole show to be a hoax and thought they'd actually live in a five star hotel! Hmmm and is he called the King of Reality TV then?
What about our favourite flop actress Shilpa Shetty who has reached number one because she was made to cry on reality TV years ago. London’s princess, from Karan Johar to Salman Kahn every one wants her on their show, she co-owns a cricket team AND most of all is engaged to someone with pots and pots of money and has reached a point where she doesn’t need to give a damn. Now that’s REALITY luck.
Guess it shouldn’t be so weird considering people are choosing their bride and groom on reality tv as well. From Swayamavar, which admittedly I haven’t watched to the ‘Who wants to marry a multi-millionaire’ TV show. Are you kidding me? Who doesn’t? Only this time gold diggers are being applauded so they can come out in the open instead of shy away from being greedy. Imagine the guy or girl on that show not drawing up a pre-nup agreement before the wedding. “Honey don’t you believe I love you?” “D-u-h, of course I do?” I mean you think God favours any one individual that much that he’d give them true love and a multi-millionaire on a reality show, which is basically all about clambering all over each other for the prize? How is the most important relationship in your life going to be found in an overcrowded garage sale, where you can barely see more than the colour of the object and maybe a few designs — that’s what these shows are like.
I do think that you may come away from a show like ‘Biggest Loser’ or I’m a celebrity get me out of here’ or the Indian ‘iss jungle se mujhe bachaon’ but I mean not because it’s set up just because the circumstances bring you closer together, much like a group school project. And it is a bit amusing when Heidi and Spencer keep asking to get out of the ‘jungle’. Apparently Spencer believes he’s some sort of super celebrity — of The Hills? I mean come on and he even said that he expected the whole show to be a hoax and thought they'd actually live in a five star hotel! Hmmm and is he called the King of Reality TV then?
What about our favourite flop actress Shilpa Shetty who has reached number one because she was made to cry on reality TV years ago. London’s princess, from Karan Johar to Salman Kahn every one wants her on their show, she co-owns a cricket team AND most of all is engaged to someone with pots and pots of money and has reached a point where she doesn’t need to give a damn. Now that’s REALITY luck.
Friday, July 17, 2009
indian at heart
This morning I was asked what I thought of the movie Slumdog Millionaire. I was asked this by someone who was not Indian and seemed genuinely interested in my answer it was a fair and unbiased question as any. My answer — I thought it was great, a story well told, a well-made film. That however was all it was. I heard many comments living away from India and surrounded by different nationalities. Many ‘oh my Gosh that’s outrageous’. I will never go to India or Bombay. However, those people don’t react the same when they see a Hollywood film based in Harlem, no one does. And at the same time Americans don’t have to hate the movie as many of our Indians who seemed to feel the country was being portrayed in a negative light. Why couldn’t it just be what it was? A movie about something somewhere- plain and simple. I realise India is a complex country, given the title of being ‘third world’ it is even more complicated for many around the world to get it. The weirdest part is, it is also a country with the second largest population in the world. Apart from that there are Indians in every part of the world. I kid you not, whether you’re in a suburb or a city, in every nook and corner, you will find an Indian there. So can you imagine just how many of us there are? I know we have many faces, many religions, many thoughts, principals and ways of life that we want to hold on to, to keep our identity Indian. One identity is boring, I love that we are filled with so many colours and differences with only a certain sensibility that we all possess, and is indescribable to anyone who hasn’t experienced it first hand.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
a real character
I am seething with anger. I am not that hormonal I don’t think. My day started badly. Not at home and I even got away with getting to work just about on time (or a minute or two late!) but since then it’s just been downhill. The worst is I was annoyed and possible came off annoyed and then this girl spoke to me. We chatted and she bitched and later I realised I had fallen for it again. She always does this, makes you feel ok with her. Tries to get on your side. The screw up is what side is that?
I’ve seen her bitch and be best buds with other people to. Sat for office lunches and see her opinion change in a matter of seconds just so that she is in agreement with this new best friend. I’ve seen her botch up and conveniently blame anyone else around. She’s fairly loud and extremely pushy, a true ‘hey don’t push me around missy’ type. Almost intimidating I have to believe that our bosses have their moments of wonder with her as well. I wish I had a fine tongue that was capable for some cruel lashing. The thing is overall I quite like her and worse than that I almost applaud her because even though she’s pretty new, she came in and made the office hers immediately. Took the important people over.
I on the other hand have always felt it’s better to take your time and teeth your way in when you’re new. But I realise I actually nibble and that just takes way to long. I am now ready to assert myself. Say what I feel right or wrong because I realise most people have little or no idea about what they’re talking about, they just bank on the fact that you know even less. Being firm and sure is the first step. The second is to go do some serious research and get the facts. I always concentrated so hard on the finding out/exploring/ and experiencing thinking —isn’t life all about learning? Guess what? While I am not tired of learning I am ready for more — I am ready to be firm and secure and take charge. I am surer of this now than I have ever been. I have no idea how to go about this change. Whether it should be physical but hell I’m going to make a fresh start in every way.
My plan for now:
1. Buy new dresses
2. Get a fun haircut (of course that would include getting a hairstylist who is good)
3. Wake up early in morning to make sure clothes are well put together
4. Add a few heels to the wardrobe and a few less flats (face it-my feet hurt anyways)
5. Put on a wee bit of make-up everyday. It is NOT too much just makes you look nice. (Think of beauty tips for a nice clean and subtle day look – already have brown eye pencil for not-so-dramatic but still there eye approach)
6. Wear a good attitude and look for options of what else can do with self
Well six is a good plan for starters and hopefully the next two weeks will see this change. I have started in a small way already. Now it’s all about taking it all the way. Watch out Missies and annoying Misters. I have a few or at least this one guy in the office who I for some reason am convinced has a big fat stick stuck up that bum of his. Nasty! I know but it is what I feel and honesty to myself is definitely the path I’m on now.
The thing is I just woke up the next morning feeling —This is it I can’t keep wondering about what I’m doing and I most definitely can’t continue complaining if I wasn’t going to do anything about it. You know turn into one of those annoying people who always have a problem with everything. Nothing’s working in life because in truth it’s easy enough to complain and fret about anything, good or bad.
It was like I had reached a new clearing. All the fuzziness of the many sleepless nights and the constant worry were behind me, like one of those back pains that mysteriously disappear after a good nights rest. I was seeing clearly and I was challenging it all. ‘Do what you like I am working with the universe and I will conquer my world once and for all’.
I’ve seen her bitch and be best buds with other people to. Sat for office lunches and see her opinion change in a matter of seconds just so that she is in agreement with this new best friend. I’ve seen her botch up and conveniently blame anyone else around. She’s fairly loud and extremely pushy, a true ‘hey don’t push me around missy’ type. Almost intimidating I have to believe that our bosses have their moments of wonder with her as well. I wish I had a fine tongue that was capable for some cruel lashing. The thing is overall I quite like her and worse than that I almost applaud her because even though she’s pretty new, she came in and made the office hers immediately. Took the important people over.
I on the other hand have always felt it’s better to take your time and teeth your way in when you’re new. But I realise I actually nibble and that just takes way to long. I am now ready to assert myself. Say what I feel right or wrong because I realise most people have little or no idea about what they’re talking about, they just bank on the fact that you know even less. Being firm and sure is the first step. The second is to go do some serious research and get the facts. I always concentrated so hard on the finding out/exploring/ and experiencing thinking —isn’t life all about learning? Guess what? While I am not tired of learning I am ready for more — I am ready to be firm and secure and take charge. I am surer of this now than I have ever been. I have no idea how to go about this change. Whether it should be physical but hell I’m going to make a fresh start in every way.
My plan for now:
1. Buy new dresses
2. Get a fun haircut (of course that would include getting a hairstylist who is good)
3. Wake up early in morning to make sure clothes are well put together
4. Add a few heels to the wardrobe and a few less flats (face it-my feet hurt anyways)
5. Put on a wee bit of make-up everyday. It is NOT too much just makes you look nice. (Think of beauty tips for a nice clean and subtle day look – already have brown eye pencil for not-so-dramatic but still there eye approach)
6. Wear a good attitude and look for options of what else can do with self
Well six is a good plan for starters and hopefully the next two weeks will see this change. I have started in a small way already. Now it’s all about taking it all the way. Watch out Missies and annoying Misters. I have a few or at least this one guy in the office who I for some reason am convinced has a big fat stick stuck up that bum of his. Nasty! I know but it is what I feel and honesty to myself is definitely the path I’m on now.
The thing is I just woke up the next morning feeling —This is it I can’t keep wondering about what I’m doing and I most definitely can’t continue complaining if I wasn’t going to do anything about it. You know turn into one of those annoying people who always have a problem with everything. Nothing’s working in life because in truth it’s easy enough to complain and fret about anything, good or bad.
It was like I had reached a new clearing. All the fuzziness of the many sleepless nights and the constant worry were behind me, like one of those back pains that mysteriously disappear after a good nights rest. I was seeing clearly and I was challenging it all. ‘Do what you like I am working with the universe and I will conquer my world once and for all’.
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